My Girl Tiffany

Simon was determined to make it happen.

He had failed miserably with women too many times to keep track, but this time would be different. Simon rubbed his clammy, short hands together and opened his big mouth revealing his yellow-stained teeth. He looked down at his dirty, brown dog, “Tiffany will be mine!”

The dog whimpered and retraced his steps back towards the window. Thunder cracked. The dog lowered his head.

Tiffany’s Facebook profile revealed one thing: she loved French cooking. More than anyone should, but that was his meal ticket.

Simon pulled up “best cooking classes for vol-au-vent in London” and found nothing of interest. He scratched his greasy head and kicked the dog away who had dropped its annoying squeak toy at Simon’s right foot. He thought for another minute as he grazed his fingers over the keyboard before typing “French cooking London” and began scrolling.

“Aha!…voilà ma chérie! You are going to forever dream about my cooking, and we will be married by Valentine’s Day at the Chelsea Old Town Hall on King’s Road!” Simon leaned back and stared out the window. It was a gloomy day in London, gusts of wind blowing the occasional candy wrapper towards Simon’s second level flat.

He dialed the phone number advertising for the French cooking.

“Oui? C’est Monsieur Hipput.” The man’s voice was a deep baritone.

“Ah…Bonjour…Hello…It’s Simon, do you speak English? I mean I did take French but I’m not all that good…” Simon laughed nervously.

“How can I help you, Monsieur Simon?”

“Oh! You speak English! Very well! Well…uh…could you teach me to make vol-au-vent? I probably pronounced that incorrectly, but you get the gist!”

“When?”

“Today?”

“Where do you live?”

“Chelsea. Manresa Road.”

“Ah, perfect. Yes. 2pm. Make sure your kitchen is spotless!”

Simon saluted. “Yes, sir, I mean chef!” He threw his phone down and the dog ran underneath the desk flattening his ears.

Simon ran into his kitchen and threw everything on the countertops into a big trash bag. He took his old sponge, dripped some…

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