When the trauma hits

June 2015

Trauma comes in many ways. A loved one dies. A relationship dies. You loose all your money. You loose your life’s work. Your doctor confirms the prognosis and its cancer. You loose friendship, dignity, your anchor, your soul. Whatever you loose, that sense of loss when trauma hits is inexplicable. It hits you in ways unexpected, it almost cripples you…there are no colours in your world at that point, and tomorrow seems far, bleak and totally lacking in lustre.

Yes, usually when trauma hits, there are no warning bells, its abrupt, totally rude in fact, you feel all the air sucked out of you, you are left feeling totally…helpless.

Yeah…Kayla truly understood what trauma meant.

As Kayla sat in her group…she thought to herself how over the past couple of months, these people had become her solace and her anchor. This little group of strangers, who she didn’t know 7 months ago and who she never dreamt she would have anything in common with, had become for her a source of support like she never dreamed.

You see, Kayla lost her 6 month old baby exactly 11 months ago today. One day her little angel was there, and the very next day, she was not. One day her baby was laughing, giggling, playing, eating, loving music and throwing tantrums when it seemed she wasn’t having her way. And the next morning, she was blue, cold, unresponsive, gone.

And that day, for Kayla, life as she knew it, ceased to exist…

They told her it would get better, they told her life would be a happy place again, they told her to give it time and another baby would replace her little angel. Oh she heard all sorts. Her husband Sam,was hurting too, but he was trying his best to be there for her. Her parents and 3 sisters were wonderful. Her friends were a rock, but somehow she couldn’t shake the feeling, she couldn’t shake the thought. They didn’t understand. No one could understand a mother’s loss. No one could understand the guilt, the countless times she’d replayed every single moment in her mind after she put her baby to sleep (for what would turn out to be the last time) that night. Did she hear a sound? Did she hear her baby cry out? Maybe if she hadn’t been so tired, if she had just gotten up one last time to check? oh…the countless maybes, the what ifs that ran through her mind. No one understood how she would have gladly given her place for her angel… just so her precious little one would have the opportunity to view life, embrace it, enjoy it and live.

But like most things in life…

she had no control over that. Sam was the one who introduced her to this quirky group. Sometimes they would be as many as 8 in number, but most times they were just about 5. A cosy intimate group of people linked together by Adam, who opened his home to them.

Adam had suffered the worst trauma possible about 3 years back — his wife of 4 years at the time and his 2 year old daughter lost their lives in an auto crash. And his world had also come to a crashing halt.

Rachel, another member of the group, had come in ready to shoot anyone who had the audacity to carry the Y chromosome. Why? Her best friend Sara and boy friend of 8 years, whom she had been planning a wedding with, had eloped and gotten married. (Classic scene).

Roger, the oldest of them all, had just gone through the worst patch possible in his business. Due to a betrayal from his good friend and business partner ( who had run off to start his business with 3 of his biggest accounts) and a bad investment advice, he had just seen his life’s work and $25 Million dollars worth of stock blown to smoke.

Chloe was the most quiet of the group. She would come in, sit, listen, and sometimes, very discreetly wipe her tears, but she hadn’t said a word. No one really knew her story, but they all knew she was hurting…and hoping that one day, she would open up. But just like the rest of group, they knew she was trying to heal.

Who can really determine the best healing method for anyone?

Some people shut down — physically and emotionally. And totally freeze inside. They are unable to deal, eat, sleep or function. Some shut down — but only emotionally. They continue everyday activities, but inside, deep down, there’s a lockdown.

Some cry, rant, rave, talk, scream and generally just let it all out. I envy those ones. Some are quite analytical about it, but regardless of the method, everyone has a unique way of dealing with pain, loss or trauma.

No one really should try to trivialise someone’s pain, in an attempt to help them through it. Pain isn’t quantitative…we all know that. So why is it, that we sometimes seem to place people’s pain on a measuring scale — comparing it with other people’s — in a bid to help them see how thankful they should be, hoping that helps them through it? Many times, it doesn’t help. What it feels like instead is that we are waving a red warning flag at them which is saying…”Snap out of it!!!”

If you are going though a traumatic experience, have been through it, or know someone who’s been through it, please know that one of the easiest ways to deal with trauma is when you truly know yourself. Yes, prior self assessment, an understanding of your level of emotional intelligence, your threshold and triggers will be one of the best resources to help you deal. Many times people who resort to suicide, or experience an even bigger loss based on the bad way a previous loss was handled, do so because they are unable to identify their trigger points (or understand when they are about to drown) enough to reach out for help.

Don’t isolate yourself

Even though its tempting and you might prefer your own company many times, its dangerous. A lot of people will irritate you at this time, many well meaning people who say all the wrong things, and you might not want to be around those ones. But there will be one or two who will get it. Welcome their comfort. For Kayla it was her trauma support group. Informal yet most effective. Don’t be shy to reach out for what works for you, as long as its clean, legal and un-destructive.

Its ok to let out the steam

Depending on what the circumstances are, its sometimes necessary to scream. People scream in different ways. Some crumble in the shower and have a good cry. Some do unexpected things like get a tattoo. Some actually scream… literally.

Whatever works for you and whatever the occasion calls for. Remember, your watch word is clean, legal and un-destructive. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to scream. But after every scream comes a calm. You need to know when its time to stop screaming and start acting. When there is no calm afterwards…when all you feel is empty, hollow and full of regrets, then its time to stop screaming and start doing.

Figure out why you are still alive, then make it count

No matter what your beliefs are…You didn’t jump through the sky into your parents laps. You are not an accident of nature, or an accidental chemical combustion. You are here for a reason.

The trauma might make you question why you are alive when others aren’t, but you’ll never get your answers by staying maudlin. Just understand this…every human has a role to play on this planet, a legacy to leave behind. It doesn’t need to have a world felt impact, but if it touches another human life or two, you’ve done well.

With so much succour required by people around us, the world could do with one more person stepping up to offer support to the next person. Be determined to be that person. Be one of those whose impact will be to alleviate the pain and suffering of one more person on earth. What a waste of a creative and strong mind for those who commit their life’s work to a negative legacy.

Its easy to slip into a depression when the trauma hits, and to remain there. But the healing process is never really complete until you step out of your “going through the motions zone”. There’s something the world needs from you, and thats why you are here. Take a small dose of your goals daily, work towards achieving them and you will see that bit by little bit, you will get stronger, and stronger. You will heal in little bits, and be able to rebuild the broken pieces again. Trust me, its true.

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